Trigger Warning: This article discusses sensitive topics including weight loss, eating disorders, suicide, and drugs.
I recently hit 80 pounds lost. I should be celebrating, but hitting this milestone two weeks post-surgery isn’t exactly what I had in mind. When I first started out, I gave myself a lofty goal of losing 100 pounds. Although I am still damn proud of where I’ve come from and am close to reaching it, it hasn’t been an easy journey.
I don’t want to paint the picture of weight loss being a be-all and end-all for loving yourself, because it isn’t. It is a constant journey of ups and downs that requires work to contradict every negative thing you’ve ever told yourself or lies that other people have told you that you’ve ingrained into your brain and made a reality. (And if you don’t want to lose weight, that’s okay too. You still deserve to love yourself fully. Every body is beautiful. I needed to lose weight for my health and it’s something I’ve personally wanted for myself for a long time.)
This is just a glimpse into what my journey has been like, which has been going on for most of my life. This was a little longer than I originally intended, so settle in, or thanks for reading up to this point.
Growing Up the Chubby Girl
I’ve been chubby since a little girl and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to lose weight. I think without being aware, food became a sort of comfort for me throughout childhood and early adolescence as I struggled with my parent’s divorce and my father’s alcoholism.
I would tell myself, “I will lose the weight by the time I’m 16.” Time passes and then it’s, “I’ll do better next time. By the time I’m 18, I’ll be in a bikini.” My 18th birthday hits and I am still not like the other girls. I’m not like my beautiful, popular twin sister. My belly hangs over my jeans, and I wonder what’s wrong with me and why no boys like me. Now it’s, “By the time I go to college.” And then I do hit my lowest weight in college but still nobody wants me. And I hate myself.
a poem on being the “fat” girl
BY ALison Smith
are they thinking about how fat I am
staring at my double chin
or the pudge sticking over the waistband of my jeans
because it’s 2009 and being a size 16 at 16 meant
you weren’t a junior and nothing ever fit
and the stores where every other girl shopped
didn’t even make clothes in your size
and the boys never asked you on dates
and you weren’t invited to parties
and you wore the highest number
on the softball team
because the numbers went by sizes
so you’re left thinking what is wrong with you
and what is wrong with me
and if you managed to find jeans that fit
you had to get them hemmed
or have them drag the floor to fit your short frame
which that short frame only made people
comment on your stubby legs later when you went off to college
and how slow you walked compared to your tall friends
so then you grew more self conscious
and then there was the first time you realized
your thighs made noise as they rub together
when you walk down the hallway
because a roommate
asked why you walk so loud
so you try to keep up and walk softer and speak quieter
because then maybe people won’t notice you
and you can blend in
and be like everybody else
and not the fat girl
Gaining Weight
My first kiss is in the dirty living room of a frat house with a red-headed guy in my dorm whose name I can’t even remember. Then when I meet the first boy that does want me, I stay. I don’t see the red flags because someone finally loves me, so I cling to it because I know nothing better.
He tells me nobody else will ever love me, and I believe it because look at me. Then it’s eight years later. Covid hits, I’m 238 pounds, depressed, and on the verge of considering VSG or perhaps even killing myself.
Starting Over Again
I felt trapped, suffocating in the life that I had created for myself but that wasn’t serving me anymore. I moved to Florida in October 2021 and started untangling things that happened in my childhood and early twenties, confronting my fears and anxieties instead of running from them, and finding new ways to challenge myself. And when I stopped focusing on the weight, it started to drop for the first time in years.
I think going through a divorce and moving alone had a big effect on my weight loss. The environment in Florida compared to Virginia makes it easier to be outside all year long, and I would frequently take walks the first winter I moved down because I was in awe that it could be so warm in December.
How Weed Helped My Weight Loss Journey
Weight loss for me happened slowly on its own without me paying much attention, I stopped emotionally eating and drinking. I started smoking weed (medicinally with a prescription) to help with the depression. Eating more in moderation and moving more helped me lose 60 pounds the first year I moved down.
I still ate what I wanted, sometimes not enough because I truthfully wasn’t always in a good mental health space and did not have the appetite (whether or not I already had my gallstone that may have contributed to the nausea is unknown). That is where cannabis helped as well. The munchies are real.
But please, please make sure you eat enough to fuel your body. Although I tried to make sure I was always hitting 1,200 calories even when I didn’t feel like eating, I sometimes didn’t make it. I went from binging to not being able to eat enough. I’m still working towards healthy eating habits and my relationship with food as I regain my appetite after gallbladder surgery.
How Lifting Weights Impacted My Weight Loss
I began lifting weights in November 2022, which is finally what started helping me build up my self-confidence in a way that losing weight alone hasn’t provided. My body is becoming stronger, and I no longer care about how much weight I am losing but rather how much I can carry. (Lifting heavy is fun, you should try it. But with light weights first, because injuries are no joke.)
It’s been eight months, and I have lost 20 more pounds since I began working out. But the last five are mostly a side effect of recovering from having my gallbladder removed. On the plus side, having my gallbladder out has helped with my nausea but now it’s a guessing game of figuring out what I can eat and what I can’t.
What Nobody Tells You About Losing Weight
What nobody tells you about losing weight is that even though you may feel better physically, the mental process of rebuilding your self-image and finding confidence in this new body that you sometimes don’t recognize is a much more challenging aspect. And sometimes you can’t do it alone. It’s okay to need help.
I am now seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist to help me in ways I haven’t been able to help myself. As for the medicinal marijuana, it’s helped me immensely but is something I am working on cutting out of my life now that I am taking other medications for my mental health.
All this to say, trauma sometimes traps you in cycles without you being aware of it. I am still not completely out of the woods, although I can now see the sun shining where parts were once dark.
Reframing Your Mind
I’ve found that finding activities you enjoy, whether it’s lifting, walking, biking, going on a run, or dancing in your living room can help introduce motion without the stress of having to “exercise”, a word some of us like to avoid.
Reframing the way you look at food and exercise can help you focus on what really matters — which isn’t losing weight but becoming the best version of yourself, physically and mentally. At 30 years old and 80 pounds lighter, I am more mobile, flexible, and in better shape than I have ever been in my entire life.
Reminder: You’re Not Alone (Even if You Feel Like it Right Now)
If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression, here are a few resources that can help:
Talk to someone if you can. You’re not alone, and you are much, much stronger than think. You are more than your weight loss or weight gain or whatever size you see on the scale that makes you feel inferior. You’re more than your body. You are more than your job title and more than what your friends or family think about you.
I am thankful for my family, friends, and loved ones that have helped support me along the way (even when I felt like I had nobody and even if they weren’t aware of everything that was going on). You mean more to me than you know and are why I am still here today. I love you all and miss my Virginia family dearly.
Keep Up with My Journey
If you want to follow along with my journey, feel free to follow my personal Instagram @ali_ann. I’m hoping to build an email newsletter, but I do have a full-time job and am juggling a few other things. Stay tuned. You can also contact me here and say hello!
Disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional or recommend any particular diet or fitness plan, I only speak from my personal experience.